Sunday, July 25, 2004

Lazy-Eyed Mormon

I'm on the road this month for trial in a case that, before the day I left, I had never heard of.  Working with attorneys I've never met in a town where the people I do  know work all day and head to the shore every weekend, I have been blessed with the opportunity to work closely with a fat girl from one of our other California offices. Her name is Katrina and she's a lazy-eyed Mormon.  She's got graying, snaggled front teeth, the fashion sense of an 8-year old Down's Syndrome child, permed red hair, and a huge HUGE ass.  She's the anti-viagra.  Don't try to throw the football through the tire swing when she's around. 

She wore denim capris the other day and I think I threw up in my mouth.  There's nothing worse than inadvertantly looking up from what you are doing and catching a glance of a gigantic, denim-clad ass passing in front of you.  It felt like I was staring into a denim sun. I quickly averted my eyes so as to avoid the onset of blindness.  Unfortunately, all that did was direct my gaze toward her pale, sausage-like calves that--you could tell by the stubble pattern--had been shorn sometime that morning (undoubtedly by an industrial-grade Black & Decker lawn product).  A little side note:

there is nothing more unappetizing than the freshly-shaved legs
of a fat girl who doesn't get much sun.  Because her skin is translucent,
you can see the black hair follicles that have retreated just below the skin
 after being cut by her (Fat)Lady Bic.  Their retreat actually leaves tiny
dimples in the skin that make Fat Girl's legs look like they've been walked
on by golf shoes.  It's a horrible, horrible sight and one I don't wish on anyone

Anyhow, as I fought off yet another wave of fat-enduced nausea, my eyes fell upon another horrible sight--her feet  (Jesus Christ, I can't believe I am forcing myself to relive this experience. Isn't this what they make incest-survivors and rape victims do in therapy to get past their mental blocks?)  Her toes looked like vienna sausages with knuckles and hair.  HAIR!!  And, like most fat girls swimming in denial, she had her 10-pack of vienna sausages bound inside a pair of Payless Shoe Source sandals that were at least 2 sizes too small.  They looked like corsets, the straps of which dug into the pasty flesh of her feet like butcher's twine around a pair of stuffed pork tenderloins.
This is what I am sitting across from everyday all day for the entire month of July.  I can't even make eye contact with this land manatee because her left eye looks toward the door.  LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M SPEAKING TO YOU! GODDAMNIT LOOK AT ME! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! THERE'S NOTHING OVER THERE! I'M OVER HERE, IN. FRONT. OF. YOU. 


Blogger Pebbles said...

You want to hit it. Admit…

July 26, 2004 at 9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nils? Is that you?

I don't appreciate you making fun of me in public. Don't you have the balls to tell me to my face? It may behoove you to know that I'm not fat because I want to be. It's glandular. The doctors have been trying everything to fix it. They even told me that exercise and diet won't help. Your comments certainly aren't helping.


July 26, 2004 at 10:54 AM  
Blogger Jonathan said...

That is funny! I feel for you brotha.

July 27, 2004 at 6:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was lead to your page via a comment on the tuckermax page. I was struck by one thing, however, why are Mormon's who study and/or practice the law the ugliest, biggest, most annoying mofo's ever? Case in point, I worked with the largest Mormon girl I have ever seen, two summers ago (at the time we were both legal assistants with an interest in law school). She had it all: the large flat, slightly pressed pasty white face of Corky, she was at least forty pounds overweight, had gap teeth, and was, get this, 6'4." To make thngs even worse this Lovely from the Land of Zion used to sing opera at the office, bad enough if Wagner suits you as opposed to Puccini, to make matters worse, she would sing with recorded versions of herself. Seriously, if you wanna sing get yo ass back to the tabernacle choir bitch.

July 27, 2004 at 11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit, this part: "...Fat Girl's legs look like they've been walked on by golf shoes..."

You just nailed it. I mean, nailed it. I wasn't sure anyone else saw the same thing I did when glancing (unfortunately) at a fat chick's legs. That's so incredibly funny. You described fat girl shaved legs to a T. FUNNY. Write more about fat lazy eyed mormons! And the sandals...god, what an awful visual I have.

August 5, 2004 at 6:48 AM  

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