Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Drunk Dial Disaster

Last night I drifted to sleep around 11:30 upon the soothing wave of words from Dr. Drew's monotone STD advice and Adam Corolla's gravelly indignation. I was unceremoniously yanked from my descent into REM sleep about 15 minutes later by the buzzing of my cell phone on the nightstand. It was my friend Becca. I answered...foolishly.

In that short period during which I am drifting into sleep, I am more vulnerable than a baby bird. If I were the Prime Minister of Israel and pulled out of my creeping slumber by a phone call from Yasser Arafat, it would not be unlikely that the Palestinians would have a State by morning. When Becca called I thought she was my ex-girlfried Kate, I thought I was in D.C., and I was convinced she was being chased. That last bit made me shoot straight up in my bed.

Over the next 90 seconds, I was able to get my bearings and realize that she was not, in fact, Kate nor was she being chased. Rather, it just sounded that way because she was drunk and she was talking a mile a minute. This is when I knew I was in trouble...yet I stayed on the phone. FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS! Like a baby bird, I swear. Becca had just returned from an evening of drinking with her friend Sabrina and Sabrina's boyfriend Dan.

Sabrina is a nice enough girl. I've only hung out with her a couple times--both of which I spent surreptitiously examining her eyebrows...which she had ruthlessly plucked like a self-loathing cutter. Both times I've hung out around her she had them penciled back in like someone just told her a childhood friendwas coming to visit. During our sporadic conversations, she usually had something interesting to say. Which was good. Dan, her boyfriend, however, did not. Which was bad. Dan is an ex-Marine turned lawyer (all of them are lawyers in fact). I've only met him once and immediately got the sense that he didn't want to be there and was in a race against the hands of his watch to get the hell out.

Becca and I have been pretty good friends for the last few years. We are actually quite different in a number of pretty important respects, but we have a good time when we hang out. We go to Warriors games and jokingly mock the poor minorities in the upper deck who can't afford tickets in "the lower bowl." We go to movies--less to enjoy a good film and more as an opportunity for me to offer a running commentary on the crappiness of actors specifically and American cinema generally. And, we hook up every once in awhile--usually when one or both of us has been drinking. This is where things get sticky...figuratively you sick fuck.

Becca likes me. No, I mean she LIKES me, likes me. It's pretty obvious to casual observers and it's an issue that we have never really dealt with head on. After we hook up, nothing is said about it...at least not until she gets drunk and brings it up in passing with something like "every time we hook up I think we should have a talk, but..."

She knows I'm not interested in a romantic relationship by virtue of the fact that I have dated women during our friendship and have not done anything that can be perceived, even remotely, as boyfriend-like. I think Becca also knows that--even if I was interested--the major differences I alluded to above would render it over before it ever got started. She has, I believe, accepted that we are always going to be, to borrow a cliche, "just friends." Unfortunately, the romantic feelings she had/has and the expectations she has for relationships of any type between men and women were poisoning her perspective on our friendship.

Not having dealt with this issue directly--the nature of our friendship being the crux of it--came to a head last night. I was groggy as shit, but even I could sense that it was coming. Like the collapse of the Dolphins in December or the A's in Game 5 of a first round playoff series, it was inevitable.

It started with Becca asking me why I think Dan never tells Sabrina how much he likes her and spiraled downhil from there This is a pretty accurate paraphrase of the pertinent parts of our conversation:

B: What's wrong with men do they not think about these things do they not have these feelings are they just cold human beings who don't have or express emotion why doesn't Dan tell Sabrina how much he adores her I mean I see her every day and we tell each other constantly how much we adore each other why doesn't he do that is that just a guy thing do guys think it's gay or something

N: Wait. What?

B: Well they've been together for quite awhile now and he's never said anything about how he feels about her not once and Sabrina is sit left wondering with no idea I mean what IS that do YOU do that you DO you DO DO THAT what's wrong with you you never tell ME how much you like ME I think I can count on one hand the number of times you've complimented me or said something nice to me
N: You're my friend. They're in a relationship. Expressing things like that are things you do in relationships.
B: And we're NOT in a relationship what do you call us then
N: We're friends
N: Of course it is, but it's not a romantic relationship like Sabrina and Dan.
B: So what, it's still a relationship and I'd like some goddamn appreciation for picking up your poo-stained sandals in my driveway, washing them off, and bringing them to work with me
N: Wait. What? <I said that a lot last night>
B: YOUR POO SANDALS! THE ONES YOU LEFT IN MY DRIVEWAY FOR ME TO CLEAN UP! Do you even care that I picked them up and cleaned them do you even care about the shoes
N: Of course I don't care about the shoes, that's why I threw them out of my car when I drove away

At this point, we launched into a good 20 minute conversation about whether I cared about the poo sandals or if I was capable of caring about anything at all. Yeah, that was fun. Then, of course, it came back around to what was really bothering Becca.

B: Look Neen, this isn't about us this is about Sabrina and Dan but since you've made it about us I want to know why you can't tell me you adore me. I adore you and I tell you practically every time I see you
N: Yeah, and I hate it every time.
B: What? Why? That's what people do in relationships. They tell each other how much they care about each other how much they like each other how much they adore each other.
N: First of all, we're in a friendship not a relationship as most people intend it to mean. Second <and this is where I started to lose it>, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE!!? That's what people do who care about each other?! What world are you living in? Look, what you are seeking is emotional validation and I'm not playin' that. You want me to sit here and emotionally coddle you because you are insecure in our friendship. You overanalyze things and don't think I actually like you. Shit, you just said earlier that you think I only hang out with you when I have nothing better to do because you always ask me to do stuff before I get a chance to ask you
B: Well? It's true isn't it before last Friday you never asked me to do something before I did. I can count on one hand the number of times just like I can count on one hand the number of times you've said something nice about me

This little outburts was followed by a lengthy silence. I don't know if Becca had just temporarily passed out or she was gathering herself inside her little foxhole of denial.

N: I never have to deal with shit like this with my friends. We hang out because we want to. Unlike most women who actually can't fucking stand each other, we talk and do things because SURPRISE we actually like to spend time with each other. I have never told a single one of my friends that " I adore them" or that "I really like them." You know why? Because it's understood. Friendship is about actions. They know how I feel because we hang out. Because I am there for them when shit goes down. Because WE'RE GODDAMN FUCKING REAL LIFE FRIENDS
B: Oh what, so now I'm not a friend see you said you don't have to put up with stuff like this with your friends implying that since you are putting up with it from me that I am not a friend

<fucking attorneys>

N: Pardon me for not using a fucking modifier at 12:45 in the morning and tired as hell. I don't have to deal with this with my other friends. My other friends seem to be fine with how we conduct our friendships because everything's all good from where we're standing.
B: Look, friendship is about doing things for each other. It's about sometimes doing something you don't want to do because they want it. It's about changing your diction because the other person likes it.
N: Becca, friendship is distinctly NOT about those things. I am your friend in spite of those things I may not like or might want to change in an ideal world. Being your friend, I would never ask you to do something you didn't want to do. Shit, right now you are asking me to change how I conduct my friendships. I would never do that. I am going to be your friend in spite of realizing that I am going to have to deal with little drunken emotional outbursts like this from you. I understand that being your friend involves accepting the whole fucking package--the good and the bad. I recognize that there is a lot more good about you as it relates to our friendship that there is bad.
B: No! No! No! As my friend if I tell you that every now and again I want you to tell me that you adore me because I like how it feels then you should as my friend do it not only should you do it but you should want to do it.
N: Don't hold your breath. Becca what you are asking from me is to emotionally coddle you. Validate your role and presence in our relationship
N: Yes you are, that's exactly what you are doing. You are unwilling to accept that like normal functional friends the fact that we spend a lot of time together and do stuff is a good enough indication that I like you and think you are a good person. That is not my problem. That's your own dysfunction and something that you'll have to deal with. I am going to conduct my friendships the way I always have and the way I do with my other friends. You can accept that or can't. I accept that you want me to change how I approach things and I am not going to ask you to change that. You just need to understand that you won't budge me. So this will be a source of conflict if and when it comes up again.
B: I just don't see why you can't do this for me
N: It's just not natural. It's not something I do. I don't spend time with my friends shooting the shit or drinking or doing shit and then say "I really like you Don. I think you're great." HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT! Where do you go from there? What real purpose does it serve? It totally short-circuits normal conversation. I can't think of a single conversation I've had with a friend over the last 5 years where that kind of sentiment would fit naturally into the conversation.
B: So what! It makes the other person feel good shows you're thinking about them that you care that you're HUMAN
N: Normal conversation and interaction between friends is like a long tennis volley. Somebody kicks off the interaction--serves if you will. Every succeeding shot, while capable of being judged singularly on its merits, is affected and partially defined by the fact that it's a response to the previous one.
B: Well I guess, but it would depend ultimately on whether it was being played on grass or clay...
N: I'm done here
<click at 1:10AM!!!>

So much for functional male-female platonic relationships. No more hook-ups for Becca. And I'm never answering my phone when I'm in bed ever again.


Blogger TheObjectivist said...

I don't know you, you don't know me, so listen or blow me off - your call.

My two cents: stick with the "no more hook-ups for Becca" approach. Drunk or not, she clearly has a thing for you and you clearly don't have one for her. And, she obviously isn't emotionally able to handle the dichotomy.

Any future hook-ups will just make the situation worse.

But I have a feeling you knew that already.

August 10, 2004 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I did. I knew it earlier than last night as well. But you're absolutely right nonetheless.

August 10, 2004 at 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's that fucking town of Berkeley Nils, the chicks are just a bit off center. Stick to your own advise, there's always other ass to be had, other ass with fewer complications.

- SkiGuy

August 10, 2004 at 6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems like once you go beyond the superficial level for a male-female friendship, that's when things start to become more complicated. Granted there are exceptions, but generally one side is always gonna want something more from the other.

-Inner Strife

August 10, 2004 at 6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I use Tucker's site to get to your blog on a daily basis. I'm beginning to realize that your blog is infinitely more entertaining than his storie of wanton debauchery. Thus, I will link directly to your site from now on, and avoid unnecessary traffic to Tucker's site. You rule.


August 10, 2004 at 6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



August 10, 2004 at 8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you're misguided. You cannot compare something so quickly against something that has been up much longer. This site has to be good with the first few entries. If it wasn't, then people would forget about it. Much like how I forgot about the Bunny blog. (Well I just forgot the address, so whatever). As well, Tucker's site is about some stories, this blog that Drunkrex has is supposed to be about daily thoughts and happenings. It just doesn't compare yet.

August 10, 2004 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger Halmustdie said...

I am slowly coming to accept the fact that emotional maintainence is required with platonic girlfriends, just as with romantic ones. They have to get it from somewhere and if its not from a secure boyfriend, your bewildered ass is on deck.

Just not at 1:00 am. I'd have gone apeshit too.

August 10, 2004 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger BR said...

That whole conversions reminds me of my ex; daddy didn't hug that girl enough either.

August 10, 2004 at 9:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

women are fucking nuts.

August 10, 2004 at 10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How you handled that situation was beautiful.

August 11, 2004 at 12:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is why when I'm asleep and my cell rings, I answer with, "Who died?". If the response is “Hey, what’s up?”, I hang up. I’ve gone to work way too tired from that type of crap before.

August 11, 2004 at 6:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE!!? That's what people do who care about each other?! What world are you living in?"

DUDE, do not drag Pa and Half Pint into this. Little House had smack addicts and pedophiles and a whole bunch of blind folk. As I recall, there were zero drunk, irate fuck-friends.

I agree with the first comment. Fewer headaches if you keep your hands to yourself and just keep it entirely platonic. That being said, I suspect she's going to reach a point where she's practically begging you for 'one more' hook-up, because she's already associated those hook-ups with meaning something more than they do. She'll now try to find whatever Nils-validation she was previously gaining from them.

We, of the Vagina Tribe are silly like that.

-TxtBkPrettyPrettyPrincess (I'm trying out new names)

August 11, 2004 at 6:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm probably going to get clobbered for this, but isn't there something to be said for taking pause before introducing the hook-up into a good friendship? Maybe like a "just-because-you-got-me-off-don't-mean-you-is-my-woman" clause? 90% of my girls would most likely call things off at that point, but then you've got the 10% horny bunch who like it without the strings attached

August 11, 2004 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger BrianH said...

"but then you've got the 10% horny bunch who like it without the strings attached."God bless those lecherous strumpets.

August 11, 2004 at 7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course women are nuts. Even worse they think that just cause they're half of the population and have enough nuts around them to encourage their lunacy they must be right. If you actually care about being friends with this girl, your gonna have to get off the moral high ground and tell her what she wants to hear. Or be prepared to have a rabid dog constantly yapping at your balls. But i don't see why you'd bother with this one, she sounds nuttyer than most.

- Rick24

August 11, 2004 at 7:57 AM  
Blogger NP said...

It may be a semantic difference to some, but I am a bedrock of emotional support to all of my friends. I am NOT, however, in the business of emotional maintenance. I am not your psychiatrist or your babysitter or your long lost daddy. I am your friend. If you need my help or advice, I will be there for perpetuity. You need me to tell you you're good enough? Don't hold your breath.

I get the sense from a couple people that if I value the friendship I am going to have to bend and give her what she wants. I do value the friendship. But I will not bend on this. It is how I conduct my friendships. Take it or leave it in a sense

August 11, 2004 at 8:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If that picture is her, I'd suggest you definitely not hook up w/ her again

August 11, 2004 at 9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is why I turn my phone off when I go to sleep. Death in the family can wait for morning.

August 11, 2004 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger NP said...

good point, it's not like they're not going to be dead when you wake up to your alarm clock.

August 11, 2004 at 10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And, if they are really close family, someone will knock on your door instead of calling.

August 11, 2004 at 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can just imagine what people would say if it was the other way around - "you're my friend so why won't you give me a blow job?"

Never have sex (that includes oral sex boys and girls) with a friend unless your intention is for your friendship to become a relationship.

/The Swede

August 11, 2004 at 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does that mean i can have sex with my wife's friends?

August 11, 2004 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger S.L. Dixon said...

Excellent, intelligent blog.

August 11, 2004 at 12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If that picture is her, I'd suggest you definitely not hook up w/ her again"

Sometimes you people make my head hurt.

August 11, 2004 at 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think a lot of people on here know the significance of the XgataXtralargeass and JoetheFart.

It gets old, though, you're right.

August 11, 2004 at 12:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last night Tucker blew me off. Again.

I went insane. I cut off all my hair with kitchen scissors like Frida Khalo. Today I examined the fallout (actually quite cute and flippy. I am good at everything). I also thought, "Bunny... there is something terribly awry. Why are you so angry? Why have you become a bitter and horrible person since you met Tucker?"

Today, while I'm working, Tucker is hovering over me asking me the same question.

I have decided to make an itemized list of reasons why I might want to cut off all my hair like a rape victim.

[Note: This is truly humiliating. If anyone were to make a medicine to cure low self-esteem, I'd take it in spades; I'd do the 10k walk for closet self-loathers, and wear the empty wine bottle lapel pin. I wish to God these FACTS were fabricated or embellished, but the awful truth is that they are not. I only hope this helps the other girls who don't like themselves].

What it is like to date Tucker Max…

-You will get fried chicken for your birthday. Later that night when you both go to a bar, you will want a diet coke, but won’t get one because that is one less beer that he can drink.

-He will hang up on your favorite aunt, and be stunned when you get upset that he referred to your mother as “that fucking bitch” because she called you at a late hour.

-He will scream at you because you don’t like the instant coffee he bought you.

-He will never kiss you, and barely fuck you, even if you beg him to for months. You are now the Virgin Mary. He will still try to coerce crazy whores into coming to Chicago to fuck him. He will kiss them because they are whores, and don’t you know that you’re only supposed to give good passionate sex to women that you don’t know or give a shit about? I didn’t know that either.

-You will beg him to take a shower, which he will not do. But he will shave his face to have long make-out sessions with any random girl.

-You will read every piece of writing he has ever done and be supportive of all his creative outlets. When you then ask him to read your own novel he will drop it after chapter one because it’s a waste of his time. He’s not good at editing.

-You will give him the greatest head of his life on a regular basis. He will still suck in bed.

-He will make sure you know that you aren’t very hot, only sort of cute, and that your head is too big for the rest of your body. You also have unattractive dark circles under your eyes and your tits are too small. He will never compliment you.

-You will be bi-sexual and okay with him sleeping with other women, but this will not be enough. He needs freedom.

-If he is an insensitive asshole to you, it is only because you are selfish. You should understand that his parents sucked and now you have to pay for this. How this is logical, I’m not really sure.

-When he has major surgery you will not leave his side. You will spend day night waiting on him hand and foot, making sure he is comfortable and well cared for. You will even wipe his ass when he takes a shit. Later he will tell you that it was all unnecessary. He didn’t need or want you to be there.

-When he is supposed to pick you up and take you to a party, he will get black-out drunk and fuck some girl instead of showing up.

-He will tell you he loves you and wants to have children with you. When you then get pregnant, he will say that he has about two to four more years of drinking and whoring left to do, so a baby isn’t in the cards. He will coerce you into an abortion by threatening to give away your dog if you try to have the child. Then he will be evasive so that you will be forced to dump him and he can get off scot-free.

-When you get upset about this, he will tell you that you are over-emotional. When you try to explain how this hurts, he will ignore you till you find yourself screaming and breaking things. He will explain these outbursts to his drinking buddies as so: “Yeah she’s fucking crazy. She flips out on me like every third day.”

-When you go to stay with your parents (read: bawl day and night) for two weeks, he will fuck other women in your bed. The night you return he will try to go out with a whore he’s just met and wonder why you’re upset about that. He needs his freedom.

-When you are at your parents, he won’t take your calls. Instead he will spend his time e-mailing some whore. Later, he will not stop e-mailing this same whore, because all whores come before your feelings even if the whores are half as attractive and barely capable of forming cogent sentences.

-When his ex-girlfriend dies and then comes back to life, you will nurse him through the depression. You will even be fine with her coming to stay at your own fucking apartment so that he can decide which of you he wants. This is so that you can be fair to both of them because you are a good person… unlike them.

-Later on you will catch him telling this covert bitch who pretended to be nice to you that he is only keeping you around because you are willing to support him financially. They will laugh at you behind your back for being “over-emotional.” Oh how silly you are!

-When Tucker bounces back from his depression you will not be needed anymore. You will just hand over the keys to his car and not say a word when he drives it all over Chicagoland while black-out drunk.

-When girls come to the apartment, he will become “Cooooool Tucker Max.” He will dress and act differently. He will be an asshole to you. Why are you upset? Don’t you know “this is the Tucker Max show?” This pathetic statement is his actual quote.

-And finally (though I could write pages and pages of this horrible shit): When you’ve been stood up by the very first date you’ve planned in a year, you will call Tucker and ask to hang out with him. He will not come pick you up in YOUR OWN FUCKING CAR, because HE lost your license the night before and you won’t be able to get into the club he's going to. When you ask if it’s possible to go anywhere else he will refuse because there are free drinks and whores in said club. Whores are very special. Much more special than the woman that did all the above things out of unconditional love FOR A FUCKING YEAR!

posted by The Bunny at 4:22 PM
HeadDr said...

This post has been removed by the author.
5:12 PM
HeadDr said...

PS Bunny, tell me, if any, of the following sounds familiar:
Tucker is intriguing because he is an asshole, because he is smart, because he represents a challenge, because he represents something sexually exciting, a fantasy fulfillment where anyting goes, because he is a risk & an experience to be conquered?
Do you feel (or has he conveyed) that you are the only one that can truly reach him to understand and quell his boyish insecurities.

Is he self-motivated career wise? Does his careers success necessitate a social charisma?

Are you nurturing with him? Are you classified as cute because, in essence he could never consider his mother anything more, meaning not seductive or hot (that would fuel Freud (if you buy into that shit) more than his cocaine habit).

And quintessentially, does he exhibit a boyish intimate approach to you (again read: mommy issues). Does he exploit women that show weakness? (refer to above aside).

6:19 PM
boobilicious said...


I want to hug The Bunny.

August 11, 2004 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Nils, you seem to spend more time than anyone I know on conversations like this. Just tell her how you feel about it and leave it at that - fifteen minutes, max. This two hour stuff is for the birds, and it creates bad habits. She wants "emotionally available Nils," and she thinks she has him during these two hour heart-to-hearts - that just gives her incentive to go after more of the same. Better to be a friend in your own style, and if she's sensible and not completely insecure, she'll realize that's your way of showing you like and appreciate her.

August 11, 2004 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger NP said...

Biscuit, this wasn't her attempt at connecting with "emotionally available Nils." This was the emotionally-stunted brain dump of a drunk girl at midnight on a Monday.

I agree with you, though, that I could have prevented this whole episode by spending that 15 minutes being perfectly clear with where I stand.

August 11, 2004 at 9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have that same discussion on a weekly basis with my girlfriend.. and she's always sober. stunning.

August 13, 2004 at 1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this is an old posting, but I read it about once a month or so to keep myself in check. I, like Becca, get a lot of validation from my female friends but not from my male friends. I don't have any romantic feelings for any of them (unlike Becca did/does for you) but I have to get used to the fact that they're not going to fawn all over me and tell me how amazing/witty/gorgeous I am like my girl friends and I do with each other (oooo.... did you lose weight?!) What you say makes complete sense and if I had the balls to bring it up with my guy friends, I'm sure their response would have been similar to yours. Anyways, I admire how you handled the situation, and all girls with tendencies to doubt their relationships should be required to read this post on a monthly basis.

September 20, 2004 at 4:35 PM  

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