Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Fun with Cellphones

I just got a call from my god-daughter Ellen. She was on her mommy's cell phone. She called to say hi. This was our conversation just a minute ago:

E: Hi Neeny-boy, it's Ellen.
N: Hi Elly-bell, whatcha doin'?
E: Nuffin' hey guess what?
N: What?
E: Dee-tee showed me how to use mommy's phone!

Ellen couldn't pronounce her sisters names very well when she was 2 and 3. Christen became Dee-tee and Lauren became RoRo. Those names have stuck...much like Neen.

N: really? that's very cool.
E: Yeah, I called daddy and gramma and Oma and Kelly and Tante Yenni and--
N: Tante Yenni?! In Germany!?
E: I don't know where she is silly it doesn't say on the blue-lighty screen. All it said was Tante Yenni.

I guess Christen heard Ellen say those last few words

C: ELLEN!! You called GERMANY!?!
E: I told you I don't know already jeez!
N: Ellen?...Elly-Bell?....
E: okay bye Neeny-boy <click>

Ellen (4), Christen (11), Lauren (9)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gorgeous girls, and so intelligent. I remember when my cousin Lana figured out how to use the phone and called me while I was in Spain. HA.

- PlayboyBunny

August 11, 2004 at 6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last night Tucker blew me off. Again.

I went insane. I cut off all my hair with kitchen scissors like Frida Khalo. Today I examined the fallout (actually quite cute and flippy. I am good at everything). I also thought, "Bunny... there is something terribly awry. Why are you so angry? Why have you become a bitter and horrible person since you met Tucker?"

Today, while I'm working, Tucker is hovering over me asking me the same question.

I have decided to make an itemized list of reasons why I might want to cut off all my hair like a rape victim.

[Note: This is truly humiliating. If anyone were to make a medicine to cure low self-esteem, I'd take it in spades; I'd do the 10k walk for closet self-loathers, and wear the empty wine bottle lapel pin. I wish to God these FACTS were fabricated or embellished, but the awful truth is that they are not. I only hope this helps the other girls who don't like themselves].

What it is like to date Tucker Max…

-You will get fried chicken for your birthday. Later that night when you both go to a bar, you will want a diet coke, but won’t get one because that is one less beer that he can drink.

-He will hang up on your favorite aunt, and be stunned when you get upset that he referred to your mother as “that fucking bitch” because she called you at a late hour.

-He will scream at you because you don’t like the instant coffee he bought you.

-He will never kiss you, and barely fuck you, even if you beg him to for months. You are now the Virgin Mary. He will still try to coerce crazy whores into coming to Chicago to fuck him. He will kiss them because they are whores, and don’t you know that you’re only supposed to give good passionate sex to women that you don’t know or give a shit about? I didn’t know that either.

-You will beg him to take a shower, which he will not do. But he will shave his face to have long make-out sessions with any random girl.

-You will read every piece of writing he has ever done and be supportive of all his creative outlets. When you then ask him to read your own novel he will drop it after chapter one because it’s a waste of his time. He’s not good at editing.

-You will give him the greatest head of his life on a regular basis. He will still suck in bed.

-He will make sure you know that you aren’t very hot, only sort of cute, and that your head is too big for the rest of your body. You also have unattractive dark circles under your eyes and your tits are too small. He will never compliment you.

-You will be bi-sexual and okay with him sleeping with other women, but this will not be enough. He needs freedom.

-If he is an insensitive asshole to you, it is only because you are selfish. You should understand that his parents sucked and now you have to pay for this. How this is logical, I’m not really sure.

-When he has major surgery you will not leave his side. You will spend day night waiting on him hand and foot, making sure he is comfortable and well cared for. You will even wipe his ass when he takes a shit. Later he will tell you that it was all unnecessary. He didn’t need or want you to be there.

-When he is supposed to pick you up and take you to a party, he will get black-out drunk and fuck some girl instead of showing up.

-He will tell you he loves you and wants to have children with you. When you then get pregnant, he will say that he has about two to four more years of drinking and whoring left to do, so a baby isn’t in the cards. He will coerce you into an abortion by threatening to give away your dog if you try to have the child. Then he will be evasive so that you will be forced to dump him and he can get off scot-free.

-When you get upset about this, he will tell you that you are over-emotional. When you try to explain how this hurts, he will ignore you till you find yourself screaming and breaking things. He will explain these outbursts to his drinking buddies as so: “Yeah she’s fucking crazy. She flips out on me like every third day.”

-When you go to stay with your parents (read: bawl day and night) for two weeks, he will fuck other women in your bed. The night you return he will try to go out with a whore he’s just met and wonder why you’re upset about that. He needs his freedom.

-When you are at your parents, he won’t take your calls. Instead he will spend his time e-mailing some whore. Later, he will not stop e-mailing this same whore, because all whores come before your feelings even if the whores are half as attractive and barely capable of forming cogent sentences.

-When his ex-girlfriend dies and then comes back to life, you will nurse him through the depression. You will even be fine with her coming to stay at your own fucking apartment so that he can decide which of you he wants. This is so that you can be fair to both of them because you are a good person… unlike them.

-Later on you will catch him telling this covert bitch who pretended to be nice to you that he is only keeping you around because you are willing to support him financially. They will laugh at you behind your back for being “over-emotional.” Oh how silly you are!

-When Tucker bounces back from his depression you will not be needed anymore. You will just hand over the keys to his car and not say a word when he drives it all over Chicagoland while black-out drunk.

-When girls come to the apartment, he will become “Cooooool Tucker Max.” He will dress and act differently. He will be an asshole to you. Why are you upset? Don’t you know “this is the Tucker Max show?” This pathetic statement is his actual quote.

-And finally (though I could write pages and pages of this horrible shit): When you’ve been stood up by the very first date you’ve planned in a year, you will call Tucker and ask to hang out with him. He will not come pick you up in YOUR OWN FUCKING CAR, because HE lost your license the night before and you won’t be able to get into the club he's going to. When you ask if it’s possible to go anywhere else he will refuse because there are free drinks and whores in said club. Whores are very special. Much more special than the woman that did all the above things out of unconditional love FOR A FUCKING YEAR!

posted by The Bunny at 4:22 PM
HeadDr said...

This post has been removed by the author.
5:12 PM
HeadDr said...

PS Bunny, tell me, if any, of the following sounds familiar:
Tucker is intriguing because he is an asshole, because he is smart, because he represents a challenge, because he represents something sexually exciting, a fantasy fulfillment where anyting goes, because he is a risk & an experience to be conquered?
Do you feel (or has he conveyed) that you are the only one that can truly reach him to understand and quell his boyish insecurities.

Is he self-motivated career wise? Does his careers success necessitate a social charisma?

Are you nurturing with him? Are you classified as cute because, in essence he could never consider his mother anything more, meaning not seductive or hot (that would fuel Freud (if you buy into that shit) more than his cocaine habit).

And quintessentially, does he exhibit a boyish intimate approach to you (again read: mommy issues). Does he exploit women that show weakness? (refer to above aside).

6:19 PM
boobilicious said...


I want to hug The Bunny.

August 11, 2004 at 6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit...that abortion stuff was harsh.

Never let a man dictate what you do with your child, dog or not.

August 11, 2004 at 6:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy fucking shit. tucker has done bad things to people in his stories, and while he is willing to admit that he is "evil," when it comes down do it, he can justify the shit he does. people are too sensitive, he doesnt owe them shit, all are usually enough for me. i never really thought that he was a terrible guy at heart.

guess not. what a shitty human being.

August 11, 2004 at 7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone have a link to the bunny's blog?

August 11, 2004 at 7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

calling the other girls he fucks around with whores kind of makes a person think the relationship wasn't so open as it was let on to be.

formerly OCD, depressed, formerly anorexic, currently psychic, full of unconditional love and goodness enhanced by zoloft, genius hair cutter and illustrator, bisexual, allergic to alcohol, thyroid problem with alcohol, potential harem leading tap dancer....I'm sure I don't have the entire list but I do believe someone should pitch the Bunny show.

August 11, 2004 at 8:05 PM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 11, 2004 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger The Lovely S said...

In RELATED news, those children are absolutely precious. I'll take 12 of the one on the left.

August 11, 2004 at 8:39 PM  
Blogger NP said...

that's my little goddaughter Ellen. Her personality 10 times brighter than those curly blond locks and that gorgeous little smile.

August 11, 2004 at 8:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just a note: I retrieved this from my cache and posted this yesterday against Bunny's wishes because I believe that TM should get his comeuppance. Nils took it down the first time, but I've decided to keep on reposting it until it stays.

A friend of yours.

August 11, 2004 at 10:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The kids are adorable - all three of them!

August 11, 2004 at 11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the jerk that keeps reposting Bunny's list:

Did you ever stop to think that its none of your buisness. The list was posted out of anger, and if she regrets doing it enough to take it down, maybe you should respect her wishes. Drop it Fucko!! Get a life.

August 12, 2004 at 2:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Take it down. That's not right of anyone to be reposting this.

p.s. Adorable kids.


August 12, 2004 at 3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous asshole. Stop posting the list! This has nothing to do with you, or me, or 99% of the people here.

Anyways, other than this fucktard, I love the blog. It's got a really nice mix of stories. Whether it's mean-sprited or sweet like this one, each story cracks my shit up--except for the Olympic one. That made me cry. Probably more than it should have. Keep up the great work.


August 12, 2004 at 6:33 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

I can almost imagine myself as a parent now.. almost... :)

August 12, 2004 at 7:15 AM  

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