Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Observations from the Display Rooms

I went to IKEA tonight to shop for a dresser and a bookcase. It took me the better part of three hours to look at every single dresser and bookcase they stocked and come to the realization that I'M EMPLOYED!

I am not going to pay money to build my own fucking furniture. What the fuck is this? The New Yankee Workshop? I don't have a full beard. I don't have a closet full of long-sleeved flannel workshirts. And I certainly don't have an impenetrable New England accent that's rendered even more indecipherable by the constant screeching OF A FUCKING TABLE SAW UNDERNEATH A GODDAMN BOOM MIC! I want my furniture fully assembled, delivered at my leisure, and placed exactly where I want it by a team of gloved men who offer me something cold to drink while I sit back and watch them toil.

As I came to that conclusion over the course of three hours, my concentration understandably waned. Taking periodic breaks from looking at poorly constructed Swedish bedroom furniture, I was able to look around at the other shoppers. This is what I discovered:

1. lesbian couples love IKEA and shop like men. They know what they want generally but, like obscenity or gay men in a 24 Hour Fitness locker room, they won't know specifically until they see it. Once they find what they're looking for they check the price, double-check with each other that this is for sure what they want, and then head down to the "self-service bins" to pick-up their unassembled selection. Watching it happen at least a half dozen times last night in practically the same fashion each time was both shocking and refreshing

2. fat girls should not be friends with other fat girls because all they do is tell each other they look cute in clothes that are clearly too small for them. That is just patently offensive to those who have just eaten and those who lack the intestinal fortitude to handle the sight of cellulite and cottage cheese spilling forth from those places inexorably squeezed outward by the physics of ill-fitting belly shirts and low-rise Frankie B jeans.

3. when married men come to IKEA with their wives they shop like recently-neutered puppies. The wife walks ahead knowingly with a list and the credit cards, while the husband follows behind obediently feeling like he's done something wrong to deserve what he's going through even though he knows somewhere inside his bewildered mind that it's all for the best.

4. while I recognize that pink is in as the color of kitschy home furnishings this year, women between the ages of 16 and 33 need to realize that decking your apartment out in pink will not change the fact that YOU'RE STILL ALONE BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY AND FAT!


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one to grow on...

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious

August 11, 2004 at 10:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best place to buy good furniture is via the recycler. You can get the highest quality stuff for literally no cost.

I hate Ikea. Everything there just screams tackiness and no taste.

Pretty funny write up though. I workout at 24hour and personally avoided showering there, but I do remember hearing that they installed shower stalls just for the reason you described.

-Inner Strife

August 11, 2004 at 10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everytime I go to Ikea, I get this opressive, sickening feeling...like I'm trapped in hell and can't get out.

The whole layout of the place, coupled with the cheap, lesbian-pleasing furniture makes me want to vomit.

I have one thing in my home from Ikea, and it's curtains because they were cheaper than anywhere else.

I seriously get anxiety from anticipation of a trip to Ikea. I get anxiety being IN Ikea, and post anxiety trauma after leaving. I hate that place. It should burn.

My neighbor's home is decked out in all things Ikea. I find this irksome, and can't stand to be in his house for long. Unless I'm drinking heavily.

August 12, 2004 at 6:33 AM  
Blogger CptCooleye said...

I like going there. My wife drags me every once and a while. But I don’t mind because there are always other hot wives to looks at. I just picture that blond naked in the BOING chair that she is looking at and it makes the trip SO worth it. You must have hit a bad night.

August 12, 2004 at 7:20 AM  
Blogger SkiGuy said...

There is something not mentally calming about putting together a table made of wood chips and glue.

I have been to IKEA once, and do not plan on returning.

BTW Nils, I can only assume you went to the one in Emeryville, which is a haven for the ugly, the rude, the obnoxious, and the morbidly obese. When I went, I actually saw a girl selecting a chair based on her ability to squeeze her fat ass into it, or not as the reality of the situation was.

August 12, 2004 at 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. A blog that is updated everyday with entertaining and funny stories. Maybe you should charge a $15/yr membership fee.

August 12, 2004 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know...do ya think Nils has a girlfriend that is bisexual, nutty and an artist? I bet if she published a list of stupid things he did to her, that people might pay $20 bucks to read it...

August 12, 2004 at 11:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nils,
After reading all your blog entries I've come to the conclusion of.... I think I love you. I want to be your love slave and possibly marry you someday.

Kisses - L.I

August 12, 2004 at 2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is great

August 12, 2004 at 2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it just me or did the third person to comment try to do his own diet-version of NP's original post? If you think the man has a point - just say so, don't try to regurgitate his material!

/The Swede
(who sleeps comfortably in a queen-sized IKEA bed)

August 12, 2004 at 2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are missing out! There is a certain kind of DIY joy that can only be attained by taking a tiny allen wrench to cheap-ass chunks of pine. I volunteer to assemble my friend's purchases, it's almost Zen.

IKEA isn't half bad now - most of the furniture is not particle board and some of their new metal work is decent. I find that if you focus on the accessories (less identifiable) and not the pieces that scream "I GOT THIS SOOO CHEAP" then it's a very worthwhile place to shop.

Go Swedes!

-LadyJay
(glad you're still writing, by the way)

August 12, 2004 at 3:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IKEA, very much like a zoo, has different areas where various animals can be viewed foraging. The Hippos and Elephants section is particularly smelly. These walking lipid monsters specifically go looking for the "small cute" items such as a mini pillow, some weird anorexic lamp, or those tiny couches (They require larger habitat and range, therefore they occupy different floors).

The fake talk about small clothes occurs in malls outside Victorias Secret or while drinking their 1100 calorie Starbucks latte. What the fuck are they thinking? All that little dainty shit won't make them look any smaller. That little bathroom mirror will not replace their cortisol tablets.

At least at Walmart (which is a similar zoo) the fatties that show up don't pretend. Survival is the key. They simply head straight for the processed food and snacks dept. and return with injectable glucose for their high octane semi-trailer engines.

August 12, 2004 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger NP said...

the only DIY joy I would derive out of a furniture purchase is making the phone call to have it delivered to my house and placed exactly where I want it. And even that is up for debate considering I had one of the secretaries at my office do it for me last time I bought something.

August 12, 2004 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger Nurgirl said...

The thought of DIY in any form makes me want to ram a plank of MDF up the host of Trading Spaces' ass, either that, or put the smackdown to every grinning idiot and "design specialist" on god damn TLC...Ikea to me is in many way's the embodiment of this nation's obsessive need to involve themselves in "design" and show how unbearably bad their taste can be...

August 13, 2004 at 12:42 PM  

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